If you can summon the courage to see the truth, you will know freedom.

Me talking about myself to myself.

Wednesday, December 7, 2011

that is some false trueness

My mental understandings, which are derived from past insights, are at war with my mental stream.

I believe that truth can be experienced as a state of being. I have had experiences where I knew I was in this state and glimpsed some of the how and the why behind my existence and of my journey though form. I knew it to be true because I was simply seeing things as they were and the shocking profundity of how obvious and simple it is to see in this way gives its own confirmation. Once that state is no longer experienced as the simple unfolding isness then these glimpses of truth become memories and can only be recalled as thoughts. The truth that was seen in a state of self authenticating knowingness has been reduced to the level of thought-form and is then as impermanent and questionable as any other thought. The potency of the knowing has become a belief. The belief may carry the charge of excitement that is an integral part of truth, and this charge may motivate one to carry on a certain path long after any clarity from the truth has faded. The belief itself may inspire the recollection of truth as a distant knowingness, but at this point it is still just mind stuff.

I have recently spent time observing my mental stream. I would take a particular thought or set of thoughts about one topic and break it/them down into the base energies or motivations for their existence. I found that everyone I did this with revealed some fear of the future or of the past in relation to the future. An example would be mulling over a particular job at work. I would be running the job through my mind thinking of how to do it if it was one i hadn't completed, or if it was on that I had completed I would be recalling how I did and looking for errors. This seems like a good framework for learning and planning yet when I felt the motivation behind the thoughts or the feeling that came with them it was one of anxiety and stress. The mind seems to think it can solve the problem of stress and fear by figuring something out. I believe that the anxiety about work is a stored energy in my energy field and gets time in the mental stream because of its proximity to what is in my life each day. So all the little worries and fears we have will get time in the mental stream at some point. The fears were created or passed down to us when we were born and began experiencing this world. For example if we had an experience when we were very young where we wondered off, and our parents went into a fearful panicked state, followed by an angry state towards us for causing them suffering, and if we were just innocently following our curiosity then we might be confused about why we deserve this big influx of anger and fear. Without the whole understanding of the situation and with that innate feeling that parents are all knowing we must conclude that we for some unknown reason are bad or flawed.

If all our experiences are recorded as created energies and stored in our totality then the insights of truth and beauty and oneness and thoughts about them will bump into the stored experiences of pain and the thoughts about them. The belief that I am light and a beautiful divine being will bump into the feeling of being unworthy, or flawed. Then a war might ensue in the mind... how exhausting to have thoughts battling each other... each are just as valid in their present form. Each drawing from experience as support for their existence. The only way to break this stalemate is to transcend thought and move into being...

That is way fucking easier to say than do. Until you do, and realize that you missed it because it is so easy and so simple. Damn isnt it funny that I am writing about both sides here but I am doing it with thoughts and words? Kinda calls into question the validity of any of this... ah such is my present experience anyways... sitting at home from work sick in bed and pondering... trying to figure out what I am holding back from yet knowing it at the same time and not allowing it to unfold. Frustration has grown strong enough for a full collapse and surrender but I have had moments...

body awareness smarter than mindstuf

Regardless of where my mind goes my body is sustaining itself. It seems to be able to do this better when I am feeling good about myself, yet there is some underlying will to survive and thrive that transcends the mental stream. i.e. when I am feeling bad and have feelings of not caring about living or dying the body seems to know this is just mental streaming and will continue to support itself. I believe all suicidal thoughts stem from mental pollution. From inner unexpressed pain that is making noise and trying to be heard and seen but gets twisted by the core error in our programming that says we are not worthy. The urge for self annihilation seems to come from a desire to be free. that we are so weary of the struggle that we would give up anything to be free of it, even our own lives. But if we are ready to give up on life itself why not consider giving up on our attachment to our identity? Could this be a profound way to assist those who are in extreme suffering? I think so. Though I think it would be fair to say that many would hold on to their story and their suffering and prefer to go down with them intact rather than let go into a state prior to any story.

I speak of this drawing from my own experience of attempted suicide when I was 16 and more presently of the building up of suffering that happens within me and the direction my thoughts go. I know I want to live and to be free yet sometimes the suffering becomes so great it causes feelings of wanting to give up... these feelings of giving up feel like they could be directed towards the ego shell and the pain itself. which is where the magic might happen, and is the last thing I want to do.. turn towards the pain and see it for what it is breaking the spell.

Monday, December 5, 2011


while driving through Squamish on my way to the city the other day I had a thought stream end with what I would call my simple definition of spirituality.

Spirituality is paying attention to what is going on inside of you.

it needn't be more complicated than that. I believe that absolutely everything that has does and will ever exist or unfold is spiritual but to discover this one simply needs to pay attention to what is happening to themselves from the inside. your thoughts emotions and reactions... your desires your fears and what you believe to be true vs. what you know as truth. Words about this can be written, read, contemplated and argued over, but the endless discovery of what we really are begins by paying attention. To things on the surface... or as deep as we can manage... and then deeper... and then deeper... and then we realize what we once thought was deep was just a more subtle story of shallow things. and the process enters a new phase of going deeper... and deeper. and as far as I can tell has no depths or limits... even after enlightenment, full realization, complete transcendence of all karma and merging with the collective, complete transcendence of physical laws and this reality, merging with the sun and experiencing every photon of live giving energy, every atom and molecule in the entire solar system and being aware of each and all at the same time. experiencing like this further and further until reaching total universal omnipotence and beyond to all the dimensions and universes and all physical existence simultaneously realizing that you are all this and are part of the creative forces that both conceived and sustain it. or something like this.....

Friday, August 12, 2011


Eco community... eco is a commercial term now. And I will be putting the idea forward to the collective that forms when im ready to purchase land for the commune.

I started dreaming up my ideal living situation when faced with yet another move and just didnt want to settle on another suite... I was looking for a new place to rent to get away from the clouds of pesticides that permeated the orchard house i lived in. I wanted a cabin in the woods. I wanted a big shop to store tools and gear. I wanted trees! lots of trees and enough privacy to walk around my yard nude.

After a search and a prayer of manifesting such a place i decided the best way to bring this about was to have my own land... (i use "my own" because it fits to our current system, i dont believe we can own land, but rather create a relationship to it.) I was excited at the idea of having the freedom to work and create the way i wanted to...

So to purchase a sizable chunk of raw land i was going to need financial help, back then i was in my 2nd year electrical and was not yet making enough to consider buying my own... Around this time I had realizations about the number of friends and family i had in the trades. I began to ponder who might be interested in teaming up and buying land and helping each other build our respective dwellings... I began to draw up a list (which I still have and just looked at) of all things I thought should be considered before going forward. Topics I started with:

Money and Ownership

Land and Layout


Selecting the right people


I had several issues/thoughts for each topic but this was a quick list that didn’t get much more attention itself, but helped me begin to bring this from idea to reality; at least in my mind. I realized soon that some people had the capacity to see this work (by capacity i sort of mean seeing the issues and knowing they will be part of the solution not the problem) while others seemed concerned about not having the right people. It seemed to me that, with all realism included, those who foresaw problems would likely be the ones creating those problems... I do not mean I want to find people with any sort of blinders on, but rather those who know that through their integrity and love in their heart this dream can be realized. These are the people that attract me. I also have seen those who seem all for it, but through my intuition and their lack of presence I feel alarms ringing in me. I am aware that this idea is common and to me just makes sense, so there will be a lot of interest and many options for people to join many communities i.e. sharing the interest in this topic with people doesn't mean we will all live in the same community. Through intuition and trust in the power of clear intention this wont be much of an issue. Just a lot of fun. I attract those who have made peace with working in the system and are not trying to escape it, but who are simply going to do something that makes sense.

Community Ideas

This is the original list i made:

Communal Living Ideas and Issues
Money and Ownership:
-buy out and buy in (need for it?)
-value of contribution
-Paper work for who owns what
-learn about the property laws for having multiple families on one property, taxes etc.
-food sharing
Land and Layout:
-private drive ways branching off main driveway
-water sources
-potential for agriculture
-proximity to Vernon
-discussing issues
-learning everyone’s priorities
-having a general plan or list of priorities that is adaptable and agreeable.
-emotional support and healing
Selecting the right people:
-talk to people about their commitment and enthusiasm and openness to the idea
-selecting temporary people,
Sharing resources
-tools and manpower
-providing care for children from familiar and loving people
-While some will work to pay mortgage others will work to raise children and prepare food from garden and canning etc.
-communal library

Tuesday, July 19, 2011


everything seems to be opening up right now... my heart, mind, spirit, and body... its amazing how flexible and balanced i am becoming... yoga does make so much sense :) peace

Wednesday, June 8, 2011


New openings and understandings are meeting up with my old thought patterns and methods here at home. I really should have blogged while in CR but perhaps i can share some journal entries. challenges are here. i will meet them.

Monday, March 7, 2011

something from nothing

fuck eveything, haha its great, try to write soem truth while sitting in an untrue state... feeling the weight of the truth... the pain is so close to crumbilng into truth. but i could hold it off like i have done before. why? b/c there is stuff going on.. i cant get into this now just before my big test!!! IP exam!!! big bad scary hardest most important test ever!!! what changed in the past 6-9 months that i could feel now the shell of this ego becoming unstable? the flow of life has been such that I roll with a particular illusion of myself until it no longer serves... always getting closer to truth. always getting closer to having to face what seems like an impossible amount of pain and suffering... getting close and then running. Allowing small pieces to pass through into truth but avoiding the big one... where can i go to face this? i have thought it would be costa rica... planned it this way. put it off till this happened... now it is almost here and i am waking up from the accumulated delusions and ego that clouds us all. So funny that the last time i was in the position to see truth that i planned to hold it off until a certain date, and knew that in doing so i would have to create thicker walls around it... must hide from it, can t see the truth yet. In doing this i almost forgot what my intent was, almost let myself be led into different intents. BACK on track, get back on track... but not yet pass test first...lolololololol just a little more time to suffer hahahaa. i can say this for years i have said it for years... but this is it, do or die, shit and get off the pot. the thought of passing my years with this on the back shelf is at this particular moment a most revolting idea.. indeed actually considering it brings the tears to my eyes..... nausea. its time.
good thing its just me reading this.