If you can summon the courage to see the truth, you will know freedom.

Me talking about myself to myself.

Thursday, August 12, 2010

salad days

yoga is such a nice way to relax and center. having a good instructor is key :)

I like how it invites me to be present with energetic and physical blocks. Some times it is too intense, but pushing into it with intention and awareness seems to alleviate any detrimental effects. The breathing is great too. I definitely find it difficult to stay present with my breath and feeling my body. My mind loves to latch onto things that come up and run with them, but over all i always leave feeling more centered relaxed and at peace than when i walked in.

I have a nice fruit crisp in the oven downstairs and the smells are wafting up... hahaha I feel much more in control of the food eating things but i dont want to control it, that is i dont want to use my mental power to suppress anything. I want to just do what feels the best and whether that means having a pieve of it tonight or not what ever.. or eating the whole thing. any which way I dont want to force the issue.... I believe that if i allow this to be as it is and allow it to express itself I can observe it and perhaps find the root of the issue.

well thats all for now,


Tuesday, August 10, 2010


and resistance to what is. the male half of my being has ruled my programming for most of my life. It was a survival mechanism. To use logic and the belief that in the future things will be better. To stave off pure despair and at times the suicidal feelings that come with it.

all perfect, exactly what i needed for my understanding. I suppose i didnt need to be so hard headed through all of my relationships and could have let this understanding in sooner but even now that i am seeing it clearer it is just a glimpse of the truth. In the past i would latch onto these glimpses and prop them up into the absolute truth that I am striving towards. Ignoring the moment, the awareness of presence and the feeling of fulfillment that comes from being. The very thing I was looking for. I still do this but the patterns arent was rigid. Each day I am reminded now of being, although i do not reside in that state very often. The fact that I am seeing so much more is proof to me that the walls are coming down. The shift is happening, and when i choose to i can rest into that state. DISTRACTIONS. work, food, internet movies tv downloading, everything like this is a distraction when it keeps you from moving into the aware state. even me writing this is distracting from that state. Though i find that expressing these thoughts to be helpful in clearing the fog.

There is nothing to fear at all. Attachment to form and form identity, or ego, is all we have to lose... This just happens to feel like everything when we are in the ego state. I have realized that much of my motivation in spirituality was/is based on fear. I was and am striving towards all the promised rewards of enlightenment like; freedom, peace, and unconditional love. Though now my understanding and experience with presence meditation and being suggests that the "me" that wants these things is an illusion. My identity, my body, my beliefs, my accomplishments, my failures whatever... all just a fantasy. This fantasy is required to give our experiences validity...

or something

I dont really know anything at all.

I dont even know if i know anything at all or not... There is a real peace and simplicity that sets in when i give up trying to know things and just surrender to being. just of glimpse mind you. I en devour to write truth but the cloud of BS and programming that fills me these days makes that tough... i think the over eating thing is part of it... as i sit here to full to go to bed.

I can feel a deep surrender building up... surrender to what is - because it already is. thank you mr Tolle.

good night

Monday, August 9, 2010


time spent doing things for survival rather than doing things i would prefer doing... I like to cook but it takes up too much time... how to simplify my meals.. or how to make bigger portions of things and have them ready while i go out riding or stretching at yoga or meditating, studying, or even just reading....

this post started with the realization that all the time i put into cooking could be shared with others... one person spending time cooking for others frees them up to do other things... i think it is time to have a girlfriend again :)

Sunday, August 8, 2010


I have become very good at conditioning my mind to operate from a positive and constructive place. I think the explosion of a food addiction was from the work i am doing in taking down my own conditioning... I realized that I am still always trying to write new programs for my mind and create new schedules to follow so that things will flow smoothly... I have been opening to letting go... to allowing everything to be as it is... and this new way of being is coming in and is very refreshing. So naturally the logical ego based side of me is now trying to directly control and program a meditation of allowing everything to be as it is... the result i think is that i am moving closer to a collapse of this structure as it is itself just program... mode of thinking. The food thing has helped me realize this... and a great bike ride i went on afterward... very stoned but very free and explorative... and i had more energy than ever for that ride.... time to go to pemby to pick berries and then off to crankworx... blend in with the rest of us crazy humans.

Saturday, August 7, 2010

eating disorder

mmmm potato pancakes! need eggs to finish making them, head to the store and farmers market. First scarf down some crackers and bead dip. And make a big fruit smoothie while finishing the list. A pound of blueberries from the market, how healthy. Some swiss chard to chew on with the berries while driving.

Back in the kitchen, made the potato pancakes, cheat on cleanse and have some maple syrup even though they are supposed to be savory... have three pieces of toast too - tahini or butter and syrup cause the almond butter was finished off last night. I think there is an issue, I think i will allow it and go into it... do not resist do not feel guilty... so keep eating, nearly half a bag of tortilla chips and more bean dip. more crackers and tahini... have some honey too. what do i really want? cereal! but i didnt buy any! roommates cherios??? yuck.... well maybe... ok 1 bowl... 2... 3 add maple syrup to this one and the next... next one without to see the difference hmm the milk is too filling now just eat it from the box... wow i have been eating non stop for most of the day was that 5 or 6 bowls of cereal? hmmm head ache and full belly.... now to open to what i have done... the void the void the void is this what i am trying to fill up? opening to all things, the root. running towards it... which is a state of seeking and not finding... when i get closer to the truth it doesnt come from trying... it comes from being. its there. always there. happening now, just keep trying though.............................................................. feel it all there but keep seeking and distracting..... anger! i want it to come forward so it stays back... it wants to come out but it knows ive laid a trap for it..... conscious awareness! it seems it will only come forward when it knows i will fall asleep and identify with it. scary potential but i trust myself... somewhat.