fuck eveything, haha its great, try to write soem truth while sitting in an untrue state... feeling the weight of the truth... the pain is so close to crumbilng into truth. but i could hold it off like i have done before. why? b/c there is stuff going on.. i cant get into this now just before my big test!!! IP exam!!! big bad scary hardest most important test ever!!! what changed in the past 6-9 months that i could feel now the shell of this ego becoming unstable? the flow of life has been such that I roll with a particular illusion of myself until it no longer serves... always getting closer to truth. always getting closer to having to face what seems like an impossible amount of pain and suffering... getting close and then running. Allowing small pieces to pass through into truth but avoiding the big one... where can i go to face this? i have thought it would be costa rica... planned it this way. put it off till this happened... now it is almost here and i am waking up from the accumulated delusions and ego that clouds us all. So funny that the last time i was in the position to see truth that i planned to hold it off until a certain date, and knew that in doing so i would have to create thicker walls around it... must hide from it, can t see the truth yet. In doing this i almost forgot what my intent was, almost let myself be led into different intents. BACK on track, get back on track... but not yet pass test first...lolololololol just a little more time to suffer hahahaa. i can say this for years i have said it for years... but this is it, do or die, shit and get off the pot. the thought of passing my years with this on the back shelf is at this particular moment a most revolting idea.. indeed actually considering it brings the tears to my eyes..... nausea. its time.
good thing its just me reading this.