If you can summon the courage to see the truth, you will know freedom.

Me talking about myself to myself.

Thursday, June 14, 2012


Well I certainly haven't kept up with a daily blog of my meditations but life on the road and a weird flu bug might do that. I have arrived in the Koots and have been settling in a bit more each day. Connecting with my aunt on so many topics. The main things include communal living, sustainability, family togetherness, light/energy work, appreciation of nature... Very nice to be here. THOUGH..... hahaha of course there is some sort issue or I wouldn't be writing about it.

Today I had just finished building a stone wall to reinforce one that had collapsed somewhat, when I decided to sit an look out at the water and trees and the yard around me. It felt like I had really arrived here and the whole mental attachment to what I thought things might be like (or honeymoon phase) had come to a point of recognition. When our attachments to ideas about what we are doing or what we will do begin to fade or run out of juice then we are left with ourselves... as we are. And unless a person has completely worked through all their lessons of duality (past enlightenment and through all karmic lessons as well)  then what we may find when we are with ourselves is a lot of discomfort. Without a direction or a goal or a belief that we have some kind of strategy to deal with ourselves their is a feeling of dissatisfaction with what is. This is what I was experiencing today.

I have experienced this before sometimes while solo camping out in the back country. During the whole journey of getting there I am content with things because I have a goal or direction, an idea of myself or the experience that I derive identity form, something to focus on other than just being. As soon as my tent is set up and my meal is done and the day light wont allow for more exploring the feeling starts to creep in. It often takes the form of sadness, and sometimes, though not always, loneliness. I guess it could be more accurately described as anxiety because the nature of the feeling contains that no-matter-what-I-cant-escape-this aspect.

Today however it wasn't so severe as that, but still noteworthy. I sat with this discomfort and felt into it, and pulled out into view what seemed to be the root flavour of it. It was a feeling of low self worth, that my life hasn't been all that good and that I haven't had a lot of the experiences that I would perceive as fun or satisfying. I compared myself to others and got a sickly knotted up feeling in my gut. I was observing this enough to allow it to be and let myself go into it deeper. I began to cry a little, but caught myself for a moment with the thought that "this isnt a big deal at all, I know how to find peace in this" but I felt the urge to really let this process be seen and allow it to be so that I might see the deeper processes. So I pulled more of the feeling out and it was also expressed with tears..or rather tear-less sobbing. Just for 20 seconds or so. Well I came up to the realization that I have been describing above, which is that there is a deep sense of lack in my life... I thought of a few really good times or neat connections and they didnt seem to satify the feeling. The pain was deep. I pondered being unlimited and eternal. That was definitely a path I could follow to regain balance, but the way I have been following that path has been to exclude this void... regardless I decided to just meditate on allowing everything to be as it is and then maybe do another medi... by the end of the first the dis-ease had passed significantly and I pondered for a while how I might overlap my feeling of the infinite with this most unhappy and dissatisfied aspect that seemed to run very deep. My aunt arrived home before I could do the second meditation; I was sitting on the path to the house. So there is an aspect that is still really trapped and suffering and there is this space to realize or glimpse the feeling of being and the peaceful stillness it brings. What am I that desires freedom? what is freedom? what am I? Am I this mind that has said that pain is no good and I must have freedom from it? It appears so... Just now I applied the thought of "this forever" and the outcome was NO CUSSING WAY! it was an instant "cuss this" I give up and rather be dead and never live and never try than to experience this forever... hmmm interesting. Doesnt sound like allowing everything to be as it is. well its way past my bedtime...

The answer or strategy(hahahaha) is practice... practice... practice.

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