rigidity

and resistance to what is. the male half of my being has ruled my programming for most of my life. It was a survival mechanism. To use logic and the belief that in the future things will be better. To stave off pure despair and at times the suicidal feelings that come with it.

all perfect, exactly what i needed for my understanding. I suppose i didnt need to be so hard headed through all of my relationships and could have let this understanding in sooner but even now that i am seeing it clearer it is just a glimpse of the truth. In the past i would latch onto these glimpses and prop them up into the absolute truth that I am striving towards. Ignoring the moment, the awareness of presence and the feeling of fulfillment that comes from being. The very thing I was looking for. I still do this but the patterns arent was rigid. Each day I am reminded now of being, although i do not reside in that state very often. The fact that I am seeing so much more is proof to me that the walls are coming down. The shift is happening, and when i choose to i can rest into that state. DISTRACTIONS. work, food, internet movies tv downloading, everything like this is a distraction when it keeps you from moving into the aware state. even me writing this is distracting from that state. Though i find that expressing these thoughts to be helpful in clearing the fog.

There is nothing to fear at all. Attachment to form and form identity, or ego, is all we have to lose... This just happens to feel like everything when we are in the ego state. I have realized that much of my motivation in spirituality was/is based on fear. I was and am striving towards all the promised rewards of enlightenment like; freedom, peace, and unconditional love. Though now my understanding and experience with presence meditation and being suggests that the "me" that wants these things is an illusion. My identity, my body, my beliefs, my accomplishments, my failures whatever... all just a fantasy. This fantasy is required to give our experiences validity...

or something

I dont really know anything at all.

I dont even know if i know anything at all or not... There is a real peace and simplicity that sets in when i give up trying to know things and just surrender to being. just of glimpse mind you. I en devour to write truth but the cloud of BS and programming that fills me these days makes that tough... i think the over eating thing is part of it... as i sit here to full to go to bed.

I can feel a deep surrender building up... surrender to what is - because it already is. thank you mr Tolle.

good night