Some thoughts on Soul Love

This morning in my yoga practice an insight came to me that I would like to share. To me it resonates as truth, but I offer it as a theory:
If we are all love and all one, then it seems obvious that our souls are connected through a pure love connection. It also makes sense that we would experience a stronger set of emotions with those souls with whom we have many interactions with (soul family) since we are so deeply connected.
I propose that this love exists in its intensity prior to actions we may take to realize it in the now of this life we are living. Those with whom we have strong feelings for (negative or positive) are ones that can be seen as our soul family. They are connected to us deeply… so deep that they awaken our inner light and desire for freedom and liberation, and to be loved. They push our buttons so well because they have this deep connection that bypasses our usual defences and walls.
I (like others) propose that these beings represent a message to reconnect with our own source… Since humanity is hardwired to believe that love comes from an outside source, we will (at times) only open up at all when we feel that we might be loved… might feel that re-connection. The problem that arises is that in trying to find source through another we see all the painful conditioning that we have taken on arise to the surface. We experience our pain. We want wholeness and union, but we are faced with everything that keeps us from it. Without conscious reflection and a tenacious drive to uncover truth, we may enter into the same patterns and create more suffering. But see it! Look at it, stay with it no matter what. 

I believe that it is fine to look for wholeness and love with another, but just be prepared to find out that you must do the work to open your wounded heart to love again and that this is your responsibility alone; that indeed your source is within, and you can be grateful to your beloved for continuously reminding you of this every time you are triggered. The connection of love that you feel with anyone can be realized to its fullest potential here and now in this life. The love between you already exists in such a pure and beautiful way on the soul level and that it would shift your entire being if you were to cultivate the openness to bring it into this reality (even for a short time). You can therefore trust the love more than the pain that arises.
I believe that by returning to the feeling of love that you have (or had) with your partner brings you face to face with your power, and potentially your own stubbornness to open. This is great because it gives you the opportunity to claim responsibility and either move forward or find justifications for your decision to stay closed. Either way the option is always there. The love is primary and the pain and reactions are just the process of releasing that which is in the way of realizing an ever deepening love.

Sometimes the most loving choice is to separate and reconnect with your own being, own source, own love. We can surrender to love with anyone or with ourselves. To me this just means being totally real and totally available.

Comparison

Comparison of self to others is death.

No comparison is even fair or truly applicable. Your life is completely original. No one else has, nor will, live your unique set of gifts and challenges.

If you see a quality or an achievement of another that you aspire to, then you may be grateful for receiving that example in your life and begin cultivate the energies required to realize it for yourself. But first realize that you already are complete. The journey is complete before it began. Enjoy the ride.

Freedom

It's not mine, but I make it mine when I judge it.

My power is in love, in choosing love; for love accepts all, and is completely unaffected by anything that is not love.

Judgement is wishing that something were other than it is. This habit is enabled by forgetting that I have the choice to embody love. To embrace the undesirable with full acceptance and allow it to be. Then there is no reactive pushing away, nor addictive grasping, just flow with what is. Uninhibited flow... 
Yes, that sounds nice :)

Breath

When healing through breathwork I am reminded that the strength of focus is the main determining factor in healing and shifting reality to a higher vibration.

"The problem cannot be solved with a mind that is on the same level as the problem"

Substitute problem for something more new-agey if it serves :)

Stay Open

Relationships are a powerful tool for awakening

It is easier to see unconsciousness when it is not your own.

Your painbody/fear/darkness/negative associations are life energy that has separated from the totality of your being.
These separations are created by negative experiences that we were unable to process with love and understanding at the time they occurred. They are stored in your energies and can be activated when we are faced with experiences of a similar vibration. This is where re-activity comes from.

Due to the nature of these separations; being unconscious, negative in feeling, dis-empowering and painful we may experience aversion in facing them.

So as your partner sees your patterns of unconsciousness you may become triggered. If they are conscious enough to see the darkness without reacting or judging or wanting to change it, if they are able to just observe it with love and understanding (how i define "holding space") you will be given a wonderful opportunity to grow into the awareness yourself. This still requires your willingness to see. If they are reactive and judgmental you still have a wonderful opportunity to see what inside you is triggering them and how and why it is all there. Let the grace of observation move you into dis-identifying with these patterns.

Conscious observation with the fullness of your spiritual maturity and integrity can unravel any knot, can shine through any darkness. Be willing, Be Open.

EARTH DAY ♥

Our planet needs us to love ourselves and to rise up in her defence. Take a moment and look outside, or in your mind see the earth. What a cool place hey? So many interactions of particles and organisms. and the sun!!! photosynthesis! so many miracles to behold everywhere we look. simple enjoyment of ourselves and the planet that sustains us will do wonders for it all :)

To continue to enjoy our world it seems we need to make even just a little more space in our already busy and challenging lives to lend some energy and help usher in an new collective experience for ourselves. Technology for free energy already exists. Blue prints for green cities and zero carbon homes already exist. Understanding of sustainable food production on mass scale is already out there. I could go on here about how every crisis/problem we face there is an answer too. But the point is that we have lacked the political will to actually pursue these options. Where does that will come from? Well, what happens when only 60% of us are even voting? ((http://www.elections.ca/content.aspx?section=ele&dir=turn&document=index&lang=e)) And of those voting who is getting their information by only watching mainstream media? In this model special interest groups and those acting on behalf of corporations are going to have their way.

Saying our system of democracy is broken and that politicians from all parties are not trustworthy is no reason to avoid engagement.
When we ignore negative patterns in ourselves they fester and grow into entrenched ways of being and thinking.
Healing begins when we turn the light of our attention back upon these areas. This happens in yoga and massage when you are instructed to "breathe into it." And in meditation when we just watch and observe out thoughts and see if we can let them pass without engaging in them... the light of our conscious attention is the most powerful transformational tool we have.

The parallel with the political scene is an exact mirror, just on the collective scale.
Our politicians, and systems of governance exist as they do because individually and collectively we have not been paying enough attention. This is a great thing because you can claim your power back any time. By paying attention to the actions and movements of governments and corporations and where you spend your money. ((Local as much as possible and avoiding those companies who are being called out as greedy and earth destructive.)) By paying attention to who is governing the resources of your region and ensuring the best candidate is chosen by voting for them.

The Earth is our home, it sustains us and we need to give a little bit back to it.
Staying emotionally positive is the most important part... I have worked on this for years and I cant say that I have mastered it but what helps is looking at the big picture. We, the human population on earth are an experiment. Put on by our god-selves to further the development of consciousness of the universe. We have no death, there are no tragedies. Mother Earth will heal itself with or without us here, and if we destroy ourselves then it will just be inconvenient for our souls to wait for a species capable of self reflection to evolve again so that we may have another crack at it...ya that gets into my own personal beliefs but it is all i have for now ;)

So lets do it! lets engage in ourselves, lets engage in our world and bring about this shift of consciousness we hear so much about. It is happening already all over the planet. It is the most fulfilling thing to do and it is actually easy; maybe for some just unfamiliar.
We already have groups of individuals who are bringing awareness to the big issues as they come up... staying aware just enough to engage politics is all we need to do.

Always balance the knowledge of what is happening out there with reminders of how beautiful and how powerful you are. There are tons of great documentaries and internet clips that function in this way. You are as free as you allow yourself to be and as beautiful as you allow yourself to feel.
I believe in you. I believe in us.
And "I am not the only one"

pondering Enlightenment vs Ascension

Enlightenment is when you can observe all the thoughts of the mind and body sensations just as they are and are no longer susceptible to being drawn in by any of it.
The process of Ascension is to reclaim all the places in you that are contracted in fear by opening to them with love and compassion. By understanding them and how they got there. This can be a challenge as they are you after all, and are in fear and dis-empowered so you must walk with power and authority into an aspect of you that is completely dis-empowered and in pain. Attaining enlightenment before this process seems extremely useful, but every time we confront a fear and move past it we are doing this process. With each part of us that we reclaim the more we align our totality with god/source. There may be a tipping point where we have reclaimed enough by processing and can assimilate the rest with a single thought (this thought would be entire novels of words to describe that process but on that level of thinking/processing it would be momentary) At this moment of ascension we would have absolute control over ourselves and could explore all aspects of physical existence... this of course can be played with along the entire journey but at the stage of complete mastery of all karma (lifetimes of learning and understanding duality) We have graduated from this realm and can chose to move on to other phases of development or return to this earth plane as a teacher. 

Co-Creating

Everyone is creating their reality in every moment.
If you take a "snapshot" of a person and look at their attitude, beliefs, intent, programming from their life's experiences, wiring of their energies that is determined by their high self, and a number of other aspects you could understand what type of reality they are creating and what they can expect in the future (not including divine will, grace nor miracles for the moment. )
Most of the time we are all totally asleep to our creating. We may have a single desire that burns with intensity, but often we also have some programming or beliefs that are conflicting with the desire and keeping it from manifesting. Become aware of your thoughts and feelings on a pure conscious level... that is just notice them without judging or reacting... if you judge or react just make space to see that as well...

Conscious observation of what is happening inside you will lead to full realization of who/what you really are and will empower your creating to the highest level... though when we are moving into these levels the desires we have now will seem pretty uninteresting.

To answer your question though:
If you have attracted a person or people into your life and they create something else that is not in line with our desires? There is nothing to do but honor the free will of that person / those people. The key to freedom is allowing everything to be as it is... to allow everyone else freedom to create as they will. If you have issue with someone elses creating then observe the feelings inside that come of it. They will show you how you are not honoring free will and why. This is where courage comes in, to be strong enough to see and be responsible for your own reactions. By claiming full responsibility for your emotional state you will empower your ability to witness observe and allow all things to occur... that is freedom.

If someone is creating something we do not agree with we are not allowing their freewill and not allowing something to be that already is. Accept what is as it is... even if you have an emotional response to it you can still just observe that too... if this gets frustrating you can observe that too... once you break the pattern by seeing it you have forged a new pathway and it will be easier to do so each time... all you have to guide you is your own integrity.

Points:
We are all unlimited
We are all responsible for our creations
We all have the ability to see our patterns and unconsciousness
When we see our unconsciousness with pure awareness it becomes conscious
When something unconscious is seen from pure observation with out reaction the binding force of that thing is broken, for as long as we can maintain that state without being suckered into the thing/thought again.
This process takes courage because we are addicted to our patterns and facing our darkness is undesirable

and so we come to it, the great battle of our age..snicker snicker

If you want to speed up your awakening try the candida cleanse and then sit with the cravings you get even when you are full of healthy anti candida food... look at where your cravings and impulses come from... it rapidly leads you into those energies which are normally suppressed by indulgences... and these indulgences are normal living for most I believe. I am having a tough time with this. It would be great to open a retreat centre where peeps can come and get good food (help make it actually) and get support and counselling mixed with healing. All sorts of modalities... oh my what a good thought... I am going to do this. And my own struggle and navigation of this will help me formulate the program...

Though it should be noted that one of my main themes right now is how ridiculous systems are... systems are limited. even yoga, for which I have the utmost respect for - all the masters throughout the ages and their contributions... But the approach that we take to systems is often run by our egos... well almost always from what I can tell. Fixation on the outcome and following the rules to get there is taking us out of the moment, out of the enjoyment of ourselves right now... which is what the system is designed to deal with... but the ego takes on these healing systems and makes a future goal of how it will be when we master this or that, then it attaches to it and works for years at it always believing the goal is close but we just need to master this technique or that pose, or still the mind... but as long as the ego is leading you along while following these systems you are never gonna get to the place you are seeking... to seek is to deny that the presence of what you are seeking is absent in your life... But all the true masters and teachers say that it is right here... right now. You dont need to meet any requirements what so ever to find it. So why are we always seeking? Why are we worried about following any systems when we are skipping over the first and most obvious thing? The process is the peace, and can be enjoyed rather than be a long term battle.

Now I must say for myself how ridiculously easy it is for my mind to take me along for a ride. This is my present normal state, with a few moments here and there of true observation and acceptance of what is. The rest is all just a story. Just ideas and goals of how to feel better or be free or that sedentary feeling that comes from a belief that I am on the right path and will get "there" eventually...
One thing I keep bumping into, when I have cultivated enough presence to see these things as they are, is a strong force that steers me away from this clarity and pulls me back into the dream state. It is accompanied by extremely unpleasant feelings which are physical, emotional and energetic. I have long since deemed these to be past trauma and closings to a world that was at those times too much to deal with. How is it for you? What is the force keeping you suppressed? How did it get there?


ANOTHER STORY BELOW :)


Most of my spiritual exploration in the past 5 years has been rhetorical since in the 5 years previous (starting 10 years ago) I had a master teacher and healer showing me all this stuff on nights where he would help me walk through that resistance and see things as the were... the information I took in was astounding. The insights into my life and being as well as anything or anyone else I focused on were very profound and while I would fade from those states of clarity and lose the connection with the wisdom I would retain information in a memory trace and would then proceed to follow the information I saw, but with my ego.. so it was never quite effective and always had me seeing everything around me as not good enough... myself and all other people, because when compared to those clear open amazing times everything else was pretty dark and ignorant... and painful.

The process of walking through the forces that kept me from opening and seeing was always very unpleasant. Picture (or feel) that you come face to face with an energy or feeling that you have been suppressing due to how nasty it feels. The common reaction I have observed is to let the unconscious defences (which are that energies own) take over and either deny (can be violent) or glaze over with distractions or actually leaving the body, claiming tiredness or feeling too sleepy is also common.
Anyways say you are pressed by a will within you to stay with it and have support or reassurance with you... At this point the energy will flare up and attack you on all your weakest points to get you to change your trajectory. With distractions of all sorts, like strong desires for food and sex, or the pain and nasty feelings become so intense that you feel complete revulsion nearly puking or passing out. Vision may go at this point and the body spasms or convulses. Then when this attack has peaked it crumbles. All the energy of it fades though this is completely different depending on what it was or who you are... For me, the main difference was whether I had confronted something specific and it was now seen and brought back into the light which then brought on openness joy and bliss, or if I just passed through what was more like just a clump of resistance in which there would be less joy and bliss but still open and more clear... this was almost always just the beginning of the process though and I would then see the most pertinent energy pattern that was in fear and then have to consciously move toward it with the new perspective and clarity I just opened to. The unpleasant feeling and that whole process of facing it may repeat or it might be less severe depending on how focused my intent was and how open I was to light and assistance... I imagine this whole process would be different for most people but I have seen and felt in friends and family over the years that it would be similar...

So I don't believe this intensity is required although it seemed to me to be the fast track in reclaiming parts of my being that are holding in darkness.

Recap with extras inserted:

Trauma or darkness within us takes on will of its own and uses the mind and the body sensations to suggest or control you into creating more darkness or at least staying ignorant of its existence.

When you move towards awareness of it and/or towards full conscious realization it will use a number of tools to keep you from really facing it. Distractions being the most powerful.

Staying with it until it cracks will bring an opening and clarity of thinking and being.

sleepy satori

Last night as I was in bed and drifting towards sleep I was meditating on what the world would look like if we had moved beyond apathy and was just holding images and feelings of what that might be like. I was also pondering what it would be like to fly into space and look at stars and nebula's and galaxies and feeling the expansion that brought to me...

Then I was observing myself, and the pain in my tooth and a different perspective came in. It was a thought at first and it went "I am actually god" god is here in me... not in me because me is also god.

I moved into that perspective and everything I saw was ok... I saw various pains and stress and didnt wish them to be healed or to be anything, but rather just saw them as god sees them.. just as they are. each time I embodied this kind of observation about some aspect of myself that I have been efforting to change or heal, I would feel a warm glow inside me expand. It could best be described as relaxing... it was warm and easy feeling. My mind became excited at this and was like "wow, look at this we got it!" and tried to own the experience... the perspective of course would begin to fade and become a memory trace... then I would stumble back into that perspective again... After this repeating once or twice I fell asleep. I just remembered it this morning. The god perspective. :)

infinity loop

Rain, sun, snow, frost, drought, ice age, earthquakes... whatever.

1. There is no point being in opposition to what is... because it already is, and you are only creating suffering for yourself.

2. If climate change has been effected by humans at all then who are we to complain about the weather?

The Rant to my apathy... and yours if you will:

Mother nature as been polluted with all of our mental, emotional and physical garbage for a very long time... We are responsible for some terrible abuse towards this planet, We have affected some drastic changes. Instead of complaining about the weather maybe we could spend that time looking into things like bill c-38... maybe we could wake up out of our collective apathy and delusions and really see what is going on here... We used to live in a country where money and powerful people at the top controlled the way things went and  tried to control media to sway thinking and keep the masses focused on anything but what was important... the only difference now is that the control is more obvious... blatantly obvious... I know, it is a struggle to survive in this day and age and I know what it is like to do the 9-5 work routine for years and the challenge it was to stay happy and alive and engaged in life in a real way.. The whole system in place is set to keep us challenged, to mindlessly accept that it is ok for our politicians to lie cheat style and do harm... or if we think it isn't ok we still just accept it because we dont see ourselves as having any power to change it. Or we do see ourselves with the power but it relies on others joining together and demanding change, enter the apathy.

Its cool, im apathetic, I know about it. I know why it has been in my life, stronger or weaker at different times, but I say the change we want isn't so far fetched and isn't so difficult. The apathy itself is only a projection of your beliefs onto everyone else. Own your apathy! Accept it, look at why it is there. 

What if you were told that your apathy was directly responsible for the state of our world? Or that you could affect the entire planet with your choices, that you didn't need to wait for others to have real power to change things? What if you could see how your apathy was empowering all that you dislike in the world... would you become more apathetic? maybe.. but that has been happening for a while now and it must be stated that you most certainly do have the power to change things all by yourself...  

Will you step up? Will you ponder stepping up? Or is this all obvious and patronizing and you feel you have already stepped up? Have you really? 

Well here is an exercise to practice:

Think of a few inefficient and wasteful policies and practices that you know of in the world and the thought that goes behind them. Now imagine what it would take to change those to something sustainable. Do not for a second give way to doubt or dispair... be creative and use your imagination or if something is clear to you then proceed with that. Take that solution and refine it. Is it sustainable? Does it cause any suffering? Is it plausible? <--- this one can be used loosely because the solutions to present issues are likely to be found outside the present realm of thinking. Some will be as simple and not need refinement. Now here is the magic and here is your power. Hold that solution to your heart... to the will of your heart and picture it already implemented and in place... close your eyes for this. Feel the joy and elation it would bring to others, or the ease it would bring to daily life. Put yourself in this experience of happiness and peace.... 

Hold this feeling in your heart whenever you see this issue in the world from now on... free from frustration and free from apathy... 

Quantum mechanics and some great work by other scientists and therapists have proven that this kind of thing actually works (See "what the bleep" and "the people vs the state of illusion")... 

You can apply this to everything you disagree with in the world (your judgements) and go from being part of the problem (feeding that energy which creates and sustains the things you dislike) to being part of the solution (ushering in a new earth.)


Disclaimer:

This post is missing all kinds of explanations and details and is definitely directed at myself as well as everyone else, but most of all it is directed at the people (including myself) who believe they are already a part of the solution... until you are an enlightened master and generating love, light and consciousness in all that you do think and say then it seems you are a part of and contributing to the very things you disagree with.

Even with that disclaimer I am still not ok with this post. hahaha... Projecting some?  

well off to try that exercise so as not to be too hypocritical. :)

practice

Well I certainly haven't kept up with a daily blog of my meditations but life on the road and a weird flu bug might do that. I have arrived in the Koots and have been settling in a bit more each day. Connecting with my aunt on so many topics. The main things include communal living, sustainability, family togetherness, light/energy work, appreciation of nature... Very nice to be here. THOUGH..... hahaha of course there is some sort issue or I wouldn't be writing about it.

Today I had just finished building a stone wall to reinforce one that had collapsed somewhat, when I decided to sit an look out at the water and trees and the yard around me. It felt like I had really arrived here and the whole mental attachment to what I thought things might be like (or honeymoon phase) had come to a point of recognition. When our attachments to ideas about what we are doing or what we will do begin to fade or run out of juice then we are left with ourselves... as we are. And unless a person has completely worked through all their lessons of duality (past enlightenment and through all karmic lessons as well)  then what we may find when we are with ourselves is a lot of discomfort. Without a direction or a goal or a belief that we have some kind of strategy to deal with ourselves their is a feeling of dissatisfaction with what is. This is what I was experiencing today.

I have experienced this before sometimes while solo camping out in the back country. During the whole journey of getting there I am content with things because I have a goal or direction, an idea of myself or the experience that I derive identity form, something to focus on other than just being. As soon as my tent is set up and my meal is done and the day light wont allow for more exploring the feeling starts to creep in. It often takes the form of sadness, and sometimes, though not always, loneliness. I guess it could be more accurately described as anxiety because the nature of the feeling contains that no-matter-what-I-cant-escape-this aspect.

Today however it wasn't so severe as that, but still noteworthy. I sat with this discomfort and felt into it, and pulled out into view what seemed to be the root flavour of it. It was a feeling of low self worth, that my life hasn't been all that good and that I haven't had a lot of the experiences that I would perceive as fun or satisfying. I compared myself to others and got a sickly knotted up feeling in my gut. I was observing this enough to allow it to be and let myself go into it deeper. I began to cry a little, but caught myself for a moment with the thought that "this isnt a big deal at all, I know how to find peace in this" but I felt the urge to really let this process be seen and allow it to be so that I might see the deeper processes. So I pulled more of the feeling out and it was also expressed with tears..or rather tear-less sobbing. Just for 20 seconds or so. Well I came up to the realization that I have been describing above, which is that there is a deep sense of lack in my life... I thought of a few really good times or neat connections and they didnt seem to satify the feeling. The pain was deep. I pondered being unlimited and eternal. That was definitely a path I could follow to regain balance, but the way I have been following that path has been to exclude this void... regardless I decided to just meditate on allowing everything to be as it is and then maybe do another medi... by the end of the first the dis-ease had passed significantly and I pondered for a while how I might overlap my feeling of the infinite with this most unhappy and dissatisfied aspect that seemed to run very deep. My aunt arrived home before I could do the second meditation; I was sitting on the path to the house. So there is an aspect that is still really trapped and suffering and there is this space to realize or glimpse the feeling of being and the peaceful stillness it brings. What am I that desires freedom? what is freedom? what am I? Am I this mind that has said that pain is no good and I must have freedom from it? It appears so... Just now I applied the thought of "this forever" and the outcome was NO CUSSING WAY! it was an instant "cuss this" I give up and rather be dead and never live and never try than to experience this forever... hmmm interesting. Doesnt sound like allowing everything to be as it is. well its way past my bedtime...

The answer or strategy(hahahaha) is practice... practice... practice.

weakness, strength and isness

..even if that story has a seemingly firm grip.

rage is interesting

being so caught up in it that you cant make clear choices. Knowing that you are dis-empowered and can step out of it if you choose seems to bring on the tears.. but the release doesnt happen, the rage fights them down with intense feelings of destruction, of self and anything around.

its fear its fear its just fear... fear itself manifesting its continued existence. I have had the lid on this for years...! I desire peace.. lightness... connectedness to being... and these desires mixed with just a bit of full conscious movement towards them has brought out the obstacle i have always felt when doing any opening. This persona or clump of fear conditioned energy has received so much of my power in the past that i become blind with it in the present. when it takes hold i feel anger and fear and hatred and desire to inflict pain at anything that makes it feel insecure. mostly towards myself... now this is weird.

The realization that I am giving my power to this feeling, and the movement to make space to observe and break the identification with it provokes a violent response...

The "flare" is so intense that I have a hard time seeing the difference between death of the pain body (through identification) and death of my body (destruction of my tissues)

In the flare up I go blind with rage and self hatred for being so weak and punch, strike out at anything around me, car, trees, face, glass, and carrots lol. the desire to drive off a cliff, or into another car, or slash my wrists becomes disturbingly difficult to discern from what I actually want. release... grab your strength and make a stand. grow up, be responsible for your creating, for your past and present creating. I think I will be fine... I got so close last night and have only bruises. In the end the tears and release will prevail...

The pain body is like a mass of tentacles reaching into all parts of the body, creating images in the mind and sensation in the body simultaneously to lead one along into re-empowering itself. As long as you are remain identified with it you are capable of any manner of cruelty. it gets expressed in 7 billion different ways... until you have completely freed yourself and are really and truly enlightened you are a part of all of the darkness on this planet... you are the rapist and the murderer, the insensitive corporate greed that is choking off life freedom and creativity. Any time you embrace any frustration, anger or judgement towards anything you are empowering this darkness. the manner in which you are controlled by your pain body depends on the way you are wired.

meh tired of writing... what to do but pick myself up and keep pushing. now with more intensity, effort and vigilance I have to realize that it isnt a for sure thing that I will make it... just around the corner, almost there, one more push... been saying that for years. it isnt going to happen without facing the painbody head on and making that separation in the moment of its intensity... I am open to hearing easier ways... but give them substance... ie. having witnessed this edge yourself and found a way that isnt just more suppression disguised as progress.

that is some false trueness

My mental understandings, which are derived from past insights, are at war with my mental stream.

I believe that truth can be experienced as a state of being. I have had experiences where I knew I was in this state and glimpsed some of the how and the why behind my existence and of my journey though form. I knew it to be true because I was simply seeing things as they were and the shocking profundity of how obvious and simple it is to see in this way gives its own confirmation. Once that state is no longer experienced as the simple unfolding isness then these glimpses of truth become memories and can only be recalled as thoughts. The truth that was seen in a state of self authenticating knowingness has been reduced to the level of thought-form and is then as impermanent and questionable as any other thought. The potency of the knowing has become a belief. The belief may carry the charge of excitement that is an integral part of truth, and this charge may motivate one to carry on a certain path long after any clarity from the truth has faded. The belief itself may inspire the recollection of truth as a distant knowingness, but at this point it is still just mind stuff.

I have recently spent time observing my mental stream. I would take a particular thought or set of thoughts about one topic and break it/them down into the base energies or motivations for their existence. I found that everyone I did this with revealed some fear of the future or of the past in relation to the future. An example would be mulling over a particular job at work. I would be running the job through my mind thinking of how to do it if it was one i hadn't completed, or if it was on that I had completed I would be recalling how I did and looking for errors. This seems like a good framework for learning and planning yet when I felt the motivation behind the thoughts or the feeling that came with them it was one of anxiety and stress. The mind seems to think it can solve the problem of stress and fear by figuring something out. I believe that the anxiety about work is a stored energy in my energy field and gets time in the mental stream because of its proximity to what is in my life each day. So all the little worries and fears we have will get time in the mental stream at some point. The fears were created or passed down to us when we were born and began experiencing this world. For example if we had an experience when we were very young where we wondered off, and our parents went into a fearful panicked state, followed by an angry state towards us for causing them suffering, and if we were just innocently following our curiosity then we might be confused about why we deserve this big influx of anger and fear. Without the whole understanding of the situation and with that innate feeling that parents are all knowing we must conclude that we for some unknown reason are bad or flawed.

If all our experiences are recorded as created energies and stored in our totality then the insights of truth and beauty and oneness and thoughts about them will bump into the stored experiences of pain and the thoughts about them. The belief that I am light and a beautiful divine being will bump into the feeling of being unworthy, or flawed. Then a war might ensue in the mind... how exhausting to have thoughts battling each other... each are just as valid in their present form. Each drawing from experience as support for their existence. The only way to break this stalemate is to transcend thought and move into being...

That is way fucking easier to say than do. Until you do, and realize that you missed it because it is so easy and so simple. Damn isnt it funny that I am writing about both sides here but I am doing it with thoughts and words? Kinda calls into question the validity of any of this... ah such is my present experience anyways... sitting at home from work sick in bed and pondering... trying to figure out what I am holding back from yet knowing it at the same time and not allowing it to unfold. Frustration has grown strong enough for a full collapse and surrender but I have had moments...

body awareness smarter than mindstuf

Regardless of where my mind goes my body is sustaining itself. It seems to be able to do this better when I am feeling good about myself, yet there is some underlying will to survive and thrive that transcends the mental stream. i.e. when I am feeling bad and have feelings of not caring about living or dying the body seems to know this is just mental streaming and will continue to support itself. I believe all suicidal thoughts stem from mental pollution. From inner unexpressed pain that is making noise and trying to be heard and seen but gets twisted by the core error in our programming that says we are not worthy. The urge for self annihilation seems to come from a desire to be free. that we are so weary of the struggle that we would give up anything to be free of it, even our own lives. But if we are ready to give up on life itself why not consider giving up on our attachment to our identity? Could this be a profound way to assist those who are in extreme suffering? I think so. Though I think it would be fair to say that many would hold on to their story and their suffering and prefer to go down with them intact rather than let go into a state prior to any story.

I speak of this drawing from my own experience of attempted suicide when I was 16 and more presently of the building up of suffering that happens within me and the direction my thoughts go. I know I want to live and to be free yet sometimes the suffering becomes so great it causes feelings of wanting to give up... these feelings of giving up feel like they could be directed towards the ego shell and the pain itself. which is where the magic might happen, and is the last thing I want to do.. turn towards the pain and see it for what it is breaking the spell.

definitions

while driving through Squamish on my way to the city the other day I had a thought stream end with what I would call my simple definition of spirituality.

Spirituality is paying attention to what is going on inside of you.

it needn't be more complicated than that. I believe that absolutely everything that has does and will ever exist or unfold is spiritual but to discover this one simply needs to pay attention to what is happening to themselves from the inside. your thoughts emotions and reactions... your desires your fears and what you believe to be true vs. what you know as truth. Words about this can be written, read, contemplated and argued over, but the endless discovery of what we really are begins by paying attention. To things on the surface... or as deep as we can manage... and then deeper... and then deeper... and then we realize what we once thought was deep was just a more subtle story of shallow things. and the process enters a new phase of going deeper... and deeper. and as far as I can tell has no depths or limits... even after enlightenment, full realization, complete transcendence of all karma and merging with the collective, complete transcendence of physical laws and this reality, merging with the sun and experiencing every photon of live giving energy, every atom and molecule in the entire solar system and being aware of each and all at the same time. experiencing like this further and further until reaching total universal omnipotence and beyond to all the dimensions and universes and all physical existence simultaneously realizing that you are all this and are part of the creative forces that both conceived and sustain it. or something like this.....

Community

Eco community... eco is a commercial term now. And I will be putting the idea forward to the collective that forms when im ready to purchase land for the commune.

I started dreaming up my ideal living situation when faced with yet another move and just didnt want to settle on another suite... I was looking for a new place to rent to get away from the clouds of pesticides that permeated the orchard house i lived in. I wanted a cabin in the woods. I wanted a big shop to store tools and gear. I wanted trees! lots of trees and enough privacy to walk around my yard nude.

After a search and a prayer of manifesting such a place i decided the best way to bring this about was to have my own land... (i use "my own" because it fits to our current system, i dont believe we can own land, but rather create a relationship to it.) I was excited at the idea of having the freedom to work and create the way i wanted to...

So to purchase a sizable chunk of raw land i was going to need financial help, back then i was in my 2nd year electrical and was not yet making enough to consider buying my own... Around this time I had realizations about the number of friends and family i had in the trades. I began to ponder who might be interested in teaming up and buying land and helping each other build our respective dwellings... I began to draw up a list (which I still have and just looked at) of all things I thought should be considered before going forward. Topics I started with:

Money and Ownership

Land and Layout

Communication

Selecting the right people

Benefits

I had several issues/thoughts for each topic but this was a quick list that didn’t get much more attention itself, but helped me begin to bring this from idea to reality; at least in my mind. I realized soon that some people had the capacity to see this work (by capacity i sort of mean seeing the issues and knowing they will be part of the solution not the problem) while others seemed concerned about not having the right people. It seemed to me that, with all realism included, those who foresaw problems would likely be the ones creating those problems... I do not mean I want to find people with any sort of blinders on, but rather those who know that through their integrity and love in their heart this dream can be realized. These are the people that attract me. I also have seen those who seem all for it, but through my intuition and their lack of presence I feel alarms ringing in me. I am aware that this idea is common and to me just makes sense, so there will be a lot of interest and many options for people to join many communities i.e. sharing the interest in this topic with people doesn't mean we will all live in the same community. Through intuition and trust in the power of clear intention this wont be much of an issue. Just a lot of fun. I attract those who have made peace with working in the system and are not trying to escape it, but who are simply going to do something that makes sense.

Community Ideas

This is the original list i made:

Communal Living Ideas and Issues

Money and Ownership:

-buy out and buy in (need for it?)

-value of contribution

-Paper work for who owns what

-learn about the property laws for having multiple families on one property, taxes etc.

-food sharing

Land and Layout:

-private drive ways branching off main driveway

-privacy

-water sources

-potential for agriculture

-proximity to Vernon

Communication:

Meetings:

-discussing issues

-learning everyone’s priorities

-having a general plan or list of priorities that is adaptable and agreeable.

-openness

-emotional support and healing

Selecting the right people:

-talk to people about their commitment and enthusiasm and openness to the idea

-selecting temporary people,

BenefitsJ

Sharing resources

-tools and manpower

-providing care for children from familiar and loving people

-While some will work to pay mortgage others will work to raise children and prepare food from garden and canning etc.

-communal library

-

open

everything seems to be opening up right now... my heart, mind, spirit, and body... its amazing how flexible and balanced i am becoming... yoga does make so much sense :) peace

integration

New openings and understandings are meeting up with my old thought patterns and methods here at home. I really should have blogged while in CR but perhaps i can share some journal entries. challenges are here. i will meet them.