that is some false trueness

My mental understandings, which are derived from past insights, are at war with my mental stream.

I believe that truth can be experienced as a state of being. I have had experiences where I knew I was in this state and glimpsed some of the how and the why behind my existence and of my journey though form. I knew it to be true because I was simply seeing things as they were and the shocking profundity of how obvious and simple it is to see in this way gives its own confirmation. Once that state is no longer experienced as the simple unfolding isness then these glimpses of truth become memories and can only be recalled as thoughts. The truth that was seen in a state of self authenticating knowingness has been reduced to the level of thought-form and is then as impermanent and questionable as any other thought. The potency of the knowing has become a belief. The belief may carry the charge of excitement that is an integral part of truth, and this charge may motivate one to carry on a certain path long after any clarity from the truth has faded. The belief itself may inspire the recollection of truth as a distant knowingness, but at this point it is still just mind stuff.

I have recently spent time observing my mental stream. I would take a particular thought or set of thoughts about one topic and break it/them down into the base energies or motivations for their existence. I found that everyone I did this with revealed some fear of the future or of the past in relation to the future. An example would be mulling over a particular job at work. I would be running the job through my mind thinking of how to do it if it was one i hadn't completed, or if it was on that I had completed I would be recalling how I did and looking for errors. This seems like a good framework for learning and planning yet when I felt the motivation behind the thoughts or the feeling that came with them it was one of anxiety and stress. The mind seems to think it can solve the problem of stress and fear by figuring something out. I believe that the anxiety about work is a stored energy in my energy field and gets time in the mental stream because of its proximity to what is in my life each day. So all the little worries and fears we have will get time in the mental stream at some point. The fears were created or passed down to us when we were born and began experiencing this world. For example if we had an experience when we were very young where we wondered off, and our parents went into a fearful panicked state, followed by an angry state towards us for causing them suffering, and if we were just innocently following our curiosity then we might be confused about why we deserve this big influx of anger and fear. Without the whole understanding of the situation and with that innate feeling that parents are all knowing we must conclude that we for some unknown reason are bad or flawed.

If all our experiences are recorded as created energies and stored in our totality then the insights of truth and beauty and oneness and thoughts about them will bump into the stored experiences of pain and the thoughts about them. The belief that I am light and a beautiful divine being will bump into the feeling of being unworthy, or flawed. Then a war might ensue in the mind... how exhausting to have thoughts battling each other... each are just as valid in their present form. Each drawing from experience as support for their existence. The only way to break this stalemate is to transcend thought and move into being...

That is way fucking easier to say than do. Until you do, and realize that you missed it because it is so easy and so simple. Damn isnt it funny that I am writing about both sides here but I am doing it with thoughts and words? Kinda calls into question the validity of any of this... ah such is my present experience anyways... sitting at home from work sick in bed and pondering... trying to figure out what I am holding back from yet knowing it at the same time and not allowing it to unfold. Frustration has grown strong enough for a full collapse and surrender but I have had moments...