..even if that story has a seemingly firm grip.
rage is interesting
being so caught up in it that you cant make clear choices. Knowing that you are dis-empowered and can step out of it if you choose seems to bring on the tears.. but the release doesnt happen, the rage fights them down with intense feelings of destruction, of self and anything around.
its fear its fear its just fear... fear itself manifesting its continued existence. I have had the lid on this for years...! I desire peace.. lightness... connectedness to being... and these desires mixed with just a bit of full conscious movement towards them has brought out the obstacle i have always felt when doing any opening. This persona or clump of fear conditioned energy has received so much of my power in the past that i become blind with it in the present. when it takes hold i feel anger and fear and hatred and desire to inflict pain at anything that makes it feel insecure. mostly towards myself... now this is weird.
The realization that I am giving my power to this feeling, and the movement to make space to observe and break the identification with it provokes a violent response...
The "flare" is so intense that I have a hard time seeing the difference between death of the pain body (through identification) and death of my body (destruction of my tissues)
In the flare up I go blind with rage and self hatred for being so weak and punch, strike out at anything around me, car, trees, face, glass, and carrots lol. the desire to drive off a cliff, or into another car, or slash my wrists becomes disturbingly difficult to discern from what I actually want. release... grab your strength and make a stand. grow up, be responsible for your creating, for your past and present creating. I think I will be fine... I got so close last night and have only bruises. In the end the tears and release will prevail...
The pain body is like a mass of tentacles reaching into all parts of the body, creating images in the mind and sensation in the body simultaneously to lead one along into re-empowering itself. As long as you are remain identified with it you are capable of any manner of cruelty. it gets expressed in 7 billion different ways... until you have completely freed yourself and are really and truly enlightened you are a part of all of the darkness on this planet... you are the rapist and the murderer, the insensitive corporate greed that is choking off life freedom and creativity. Any time you embrace any frustration, anger or judgement towards anything you are empowering this darkness. the manner in which you are controlled by your pain body depends on the way you are wired.
meh tired of writing... what to do but pick myself up and keep pushing. now with more intensity, effort and vigilance I have to realize that it isnt a for sure thing that I will make it... just around the corner, almost there, one more push... been saying that for years. it isnt going to happen without facing the painbody head on and making that separation in the moment of its intensity... I am open to hearing easier ways... but give them substance... ie. having witnessed this edge yourself and found a way that isnt just more suppression disguised as progress.
